


Avengers: Get Your Shit Together

by Reallyquitesoft



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Fix-It, Gen, Self-Insert, infinity war makes no sense and is stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 18:30:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20178802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reallyquitesoft/pseuds/Reallyquitesoft
Summary: I send myself back in time (and a little bit sideways) to the very beginning of infinity war.





	Avengers: Get Your Shit Together

**Author's Note:**

> im not anywhere close to a marvel stan i promise but my cousin is watching iw and i hate it so much. here is a stupid fic about me killing thanos

[15 minutes before arrival]

[Asgardian Refugee Vessel  _ Statesman _ ]

“- so then I said, ‘why can I not turn into a snake?’ and loki said-,”

A small asgardian teenager watched Thor with poorly concealed boredom as he laughed at his own tale. It would be safe to assume he had been subjected to this story more than once.

“- ‘brother, you would not last a day without arms,’” Thor had adopted a comically high pitched, whiny voice in a mocking imitation of Loki, which made the teen chuckle despite himself. The tale was made all the sweeter at the expense of Loki himself, who was glowering from his favourite lurking spot in the corner.

“So naturally I said, ‘Oh really!’ and agreed to let Loki spell away my arms for the day, which in hindsight-” Thor was cut off by loki seemingly lunging at him.

At the last second, though, Loki swerved slightly, and instead of hitting Thor landed upon a small midgardian girl, who looked a little worse for wear. Normally I’m perceived as little to no danger, but evidently materializing in unannounced onto an asgardian refuge ship set off a few alarm bells.

Which was fair, but also a little bit annoying since loki was pinning me to the floor with a knife to my throat (NOT IN A SEXY WAY I AM A a) A KID AND b) A LESBIAN). I could kind of get it after the week i know he’d had, but it was gonna get a lot worse if he didn’t let me speak. I felt perfectly justified when i shrieked, “Fuck off!” and punched him in the nose. 

Turns out Loki’s are a little bit like sharks, in that regard, because he was caught off-guard just long enough for me to slither out from under him and run behind Thor.

The asgardian boy looked at me he had never seen a teleporting midgardian teenage lesbian before. Rude.

Thor whirled around and looked at me in just as much bewilderment (though far less malice! T

Thank goodness gracious) and growled, “explain yourself!”

So I told him who I was, my age, my prerogative on his ship, my favourite avenger (a little bit of flattery never hurt), my favourite colour, my favourite animal, my favourite food, my-

Loki cut me off. 

“Thanos is coming? Here? When?”

“Yup!” I nodded, and checked my phone for the time,

“About two minutes-” there were multiple squawks of outrage, both from the previously mentioned assembly and also a few straggling Asgardians who had been drawn to the commotion. I waved at them. They did not wave back.

“-So I suggest everyone goes back to their rooms, or if you have bunkers or something out here in space. Thanos and his crew show up here, in this room,” I explained. Surprisingly enough, the people complied. By the two minute to arrival mark the room was cleared save for me, Loki, Thor, the Hulk, and Heimdall. Valkyrie wanted to have been there too, but she left with her people as a last resort defense at Thor’s insistence.

I grabbed a big, stick like staff from the asgardian boy earlier, and I gripped it tight as the chuitari appeared outside, a grin on my face that made even Loki take a little step back. 

“If I die here,” I called, eyes never straying from the entrance, “make sure to give me a viking funeral!” 

And the doors burst open to the sound of my cackling.

The first few dudes, the generals or whatever, went down easy on Loki’s magic. I don’t know what kind of bullshit excuses were fed from the infinity war directors to excuse his previously lackluster performance, but this time he had a whole thirty seconds to prepare. It made a lot of difference.

The dude who was slimy looking and a little bitch to deal with in the movie went down. The big metal dude went down. The woman who was only there to look sexy in tight black leather went down. 

The general monsters fell easily in the face of Thor’s lightning. They kept coming, but Thor had them under control enough that I excused myself to go kneel next to eel-man.

“See you in hell, space cowboy,” I whispered as I slit his throat with one of Loki’s discarded knives. Then I stabbed him in the chest. Then I kicked him in the head. I didn’t have anything to behead him with unfortunately, so i got heimdall to do it. He looked at me like he had never seen a bloodthirsty midgardian teenage lesbian before. It was extra rude this time, because I’m pretty sure his powers work so he sees literally everything. 

But he complied, so I didn’t call him a little coward bitch. At least not to his face.

By the time I had deemed eel-dude dead enough for my very high standards, the rest of the army was either dead or something very close to it. I assume the off-screen incompetence implied by the original opening scene of the terrible movie that inspired this was due to grief and surprise, because that was easy. Sure, Thor was panting, and Loki was groaning about his chipped knives, and hulk was screaming very loudly in the background, but still! No one was dead! What the hell, Russos, it was literally that easy!

No sign of thanos yet, but that was quickly explained when slimy eel-face’s walky-talky (that's probably not the Cool Space Name (™) for it, but that's what they are!) crackled on, and the voice of Thanos said,

“Are a bunch of dead bodies strewn across the floor yet in artfully gruesome positions? Are you ready for my dramatic entrance?”

I scoffed and flipped off the walky talky. 

Maybe Thanos sensed that, or he took the silence as confirmation, but either way he stalked into the room the next minute with the gross kind of smug arrogance you find on any run-of-the-mill sexist dude who ‘isn’t sexist! It’s just science’ kind of asshole.

He stopped a little when none of his men were still alive, but he covered his shock well. Men like him always do.

“I know what it's like to lose. To feel so desperately that-” Thanos started.

“Shut up.” I told him. He seemed momentarily shocked by my nerve, as most of my highschool teachers are. He was a lot more idiotic than them, though, if such a thing is even possible.

“You are so astoundingly idiotic!” I cried, ignoring hulks growl and Thor’s funny little worried noise as I stalked closer.

“You could have doubled the resources! Or killed only bad people, the rich and the rapists! You could have stopped bad people from being bad at all, with all those stones you had! Your plan was flawed and thoughtless from the start, you bitch. You sound like the kind of nerd boys I hate in highschool, all god-complex and ignorance,” I was within arms reach now, glaring up at thanos with what I knew was probably a very ugly smile.

I had to crane my neck to see him, because even as worked-up as I was, I was still 5’3. Thanos seemed too peeved and bewildered to actually look threatening.

“And you know what? I don’t hurt them, because I, unlike  _ someone _ I could name, actually understand the nuance of chances and choices! All those stupid little bastards in science could change, could be better, because we’re still all kids and I don’t consider myself above consequence- Again, unlike someone i could name!” I was close enough now that Thanos was within touching distance of me. I grinned even worse than before.

“But I found someone, Thanny, who won’t change. Who never has, and never will, someone who will be much better off dead,” I wasn’t even smiling now, just baring my teeth in a snarl with cruel joy in my eyes.

“Someone who I can hurt as much as I like!” 

(I never said I was good)

With just a little hop I dug my pointer and middle fingers of my right hand into his eye, clawed at his ear with my left and scrambled up his scaffold armour, all fast enough he couldn’t react before howling in pain. 

There was weird eye liquid, maybe some blood, dripping around the fingers in Thanos’s eye socket as he thrashed; I don’t know, I haven’t taken biology yet. I figured that was good enough if the anguished sounds he was still making were any indication. He was grabbing at me, trying to throw me off or kill me at least, but i just moved my left hand, dug the nails in the back of his scalp, pulled myself up higher.

I kicked him in the throat as I went, and even the so called ‘’’’’’mad titan’’’’’’ couldn’t do much but splutter at that. While he was distracted, I got situated on his shoulders in an action reminiscent of Mantis’- something she would never have to do in this universe. 

I’d skewered his other eye (again with my fingernails, a girls gotta do what she’s gotta do) and when I finally looked up to the captive audience I had, admittedly, forgotten about, they were staring at me in a mix of awe (Thor and Loki), Horror (Thor and Heimdall), Fear (Heimdall), and amusement (Loki and Hulk). Loki teleported behind me and Thanos, probably because I was starting to slip with all the blood and gore, and offered me a hand.

I knew better than to trust him, but he also just saw me scale and blind a guy twice my size. I took his hand.

Which was a good thing, because Thanos was very close to crushing my skull like a grape.

Me and Loki stumbled backwards, away from Thanos’ flailing hands. He was jabbering on about something, probably balance or some ‘puny mortal’ shit, but I wasn’t listening.

“Hey Hulk?”

“Yes, Tiny One?”

“Can you rip his head off? I would do it, but I’m also 113 pounds and don’t think I actually could, so-”

The Hulk ripped Thanos’ head clean off his body in a spray of blood and guts and stuff I didn’t want to think about. It was all over me and Loki, which was gross, but Thanos had been much grosser so I decided not to complain.

  
“Hows that for  _ aim for the head _ , fuckface?” 


End file.
